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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28020867">The Dark Side</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeviantSentByJericho/pseuds/TheDeviantSentByJericho'>TheDeviantSentByJericho</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Self-Preservation and Self-Loathing [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, As many as I want - Freeform, Brief Knife Mention, Caring Deceit | Janus Sanders, Gen, Hanging, He's doing his best guys, Hopeful Ending, How many Dashes can I use in one oneshot?, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, I'm not sure how that tag works aufhdsi, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Suicidal Virgil, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, The author does not know medicine, Virgil Leaves The Dark Side, Vomiting, Whump, i guess?, momceit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:01:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28020867</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeviantSentByJericho/pseuds/TheDeviantSentByJericho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus has always been there for Virgil.</p><p>Virgil is tired of it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxeit, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders &amp; Deceit | Janus Sanders, Platonic Anxeit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Self-Preservation and Self-Loathing [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2038966</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>77</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Dark Side</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Bolded speech from Virgil is his tempest tongue, and from Janus it's his backwards speak. Italics are just emphasis.</p><p>Song referenced is <i>The Dark Side</i> by Baikey and Bean, and can be found here: https://youtu.be/3HQ-Tny5WHQ</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Virgil didn't tell <em>anyone</em> his name.</p><p>Not anymore.</p><p>Maybe it was foolish, maybe it was superstitious, maybe it was an overreaction, but Virgil didn't care. Names meant trust, and trust was hard to come by, and once given, it couldn't be withdrawn easily.</p><p>He'd told Janus his name. </p><p>When they were kids, when Morality had first separated them all, there were two groups- the "main" sides, the ones Thomas knew, and loved, and <em>accepted, </em>and the Others. The Shadows. </p><p>The unwanted ones.</p><p>The evil ones.</p><p>The ones no one wanted around, least of all Thomas.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">The world passes by</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Through my window</span> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Virgil was one of the Others.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">I'm left behind</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">All on my own</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Janus had been his only friend, then. </p><p>He'd been so kind, so understanding. Virgil had been so scared, so alone- he always was, even now, <strike>especially now</strike>, but Janus had welcomed him. Embraced him.</p><p> </p><p>Deceit had always been something of a parental figure to all the Others- all those that would accept it anyway- but he and Virgil had been the closest. Anxiety and Deceit, one to protect and one to advance, one to hide and one to care, both hated and left out in the dark and cold for years.</p><p>They had been young, then.</p><p>Naïve.</p><p>Janus had revealed his name first, the first night he spent talking Anxiety down from a panic attack, trying to convince him that <em>you're okay, you're safe, you're loved, you can put the knife down now. </em></p><p>Virgil had sobbed into the yellow side's shoulder, wrapped inside his many arms, and confessed his own name- a gesture of peace, repayment, <em>trust.</em></p><p>For years, he'd never broken it.</p><p> </p><p>But even Janus had his breaking point. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Someone tell me how to live and how to breathe and how the hell to stay alive</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Someone pick me up and hold me because I clearly don't know how to do this right</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Virgil stood in his room, alone, a room with every piece of furniture removed or pushed to the sides, save for a chair in the centre of the room, a rope hanging from the ceiling above it, twisted neatly into a loop. His laptop lay on the floor, page still open to instructions. </p><p>Anxiety had wanted to write a note, he'd <em>wanted </em>to explain- but that was how Deceit found him. Even thinking was dangerous, if he wanted to get this right. If he wanted to-</p><p>He breathed in.</p><p>He breathed out.</p><p>He climbed up on the chair. It wobbled.</p><p>Rope was rough, he noticed dimly. </p><p>He breathed in.</p><p>He stepped forwards. Kicked out.</p><p>He couldn't breathe.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Someone has to see</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Someone has to know</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Someone better than me</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Someone who is worth the time and space and care while I am left in agony</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It <strong>hurt </strong>it hurt so much he was desperate, clawing, fingers clawing at his throat, trying to make room, but he couldn't, he couldn't, he couldn't breathe, it hurt, it hurt so much, his throat, his lungs, they burned, burned, hurt, he was hurt, hurt, hurt, <strong><em>hurt-!</em></strong></p><p>
  <em>I deserve this, I deserve this, all this pain is nothing compared the hurt I've caused, <strong>I deserve this.</strong></em>
</p><p>
  <em>Do I?</em>
</p><p>It didn't matter. His vision felt dim, his senses fading, his movements stilling as he lost the energy to kick. He was dying, whether he deserved it or not, and it hurt.</p><p>Maybe he was hallucinating, in his oxygen-deprived state, but it almost felt like there were hands, a voice, someone familiar? Someone safe?</p><p>He must be hallucinating.</p><p>Darkness claimed him.</p><p> </p><p>He woke up.</p><p> </p><p>Something felt wrong. </p><p>His throat hurt and his lungs burned. He coughed, and pain lanced its way through his body like a knife. Immediately, the hands were back again, soothing him, tending to him, speaking to him in a soothing tone. Virgil blinked his eyes open. Black and yellow, yellow and black.</p><p>"janus?"</p><p>"Virgil." The yellow side's voice was strangely relieved. That was odd.</p><p>"wha' happ'n'd?" </p><p>A pause. Janus began to speak again, but Virgil didn't understand. He was already unconscious. </p><p> </p><p>He remembered.</p><p> </p><p>He remembered everything. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">My head's my own curse</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">I</span><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">t's the self-loathing I rehearse</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Feels like I'm trapped on display sometimes, </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Though I don't know what's looking my way</span> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Virgil bolted upright and almost ran to the bathroom <strike>not his bathroom, too yellow, too bright, covered in snakes</strike>. Gloved hands held him as he threw up.</p><p> </p><p>Deceit and Anxiety sat on Janus' bed, the sheets rumpled from Virgil lying there in a way Janus would never allow under normal circumstances. Janus was staring at him, but Virgil couldn't meet his eyes.</p><p>They sat there in silence for a good while.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing and breathing deep, Janus slipped his gloves off. Virgil turned to stare at him.</p><p>"I don't know what to do, Virgil," Janus confessed quietly. "This is, what, the fourth time I've had to save you? And this time..." He swallowed and there were tears in both his eyes, yellow and brown glimmering sadly. "This time I almost lost you."</p><p>Virgil glanced at his hands, twisting and pale and cold. "I don't-" he swallowed. "I don't know what to say."</p><p>Janus' expression softened. "I know. It's okay."</p><p>Many arms spread outwards, offering, and Virgil dove into them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Yeah I get angry</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">That's plain to see</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Because this Side isn't who I wanna... B</span><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">e</span> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>When they spoke again, both of them were crying. "You can't keep <em>doing </em>this Virgil! What if I hadn't gotten there in time? You could have <em>died!"</em></p><p>Virgil pulled away, hands raised defensively. "That was the <em>point, </em>Janus! I <em>should </em>have died! I <em>deserve </em>this! All I do is hurt people, all I do is hurt <em>Thomas! </em>I don't understand why you won't just <strong>let me die already!</strong>"</p><p>Janus dropped his hands, folding back into his 'ordinary', two-armed, two-faced, shape. His voice was cool when he spoke, and hurt was clear on his face. "Did you ever consider that perhaps your death would hurt <em>me?"</em></p><p>Tears dripped down both their faces. "What do you <em>want from me?</em>" </p><p>They'd spoken simultaneously. The friends looked at each other, then away. "I-" they opened their mouths to speak, then slammed it shut, eyeing each other, waiting for the other to speak. Neither did.</p><p> </p><p>"Stop it." Words escaped Virgil, desperate, fierce. Janus' room seemed to swirl and twitch, sensing a vulnerable and long-buried truth aching to come free. Janus himself seemed startled and- nervous?</p><p>Virgil hated it.</p><p>But he couldn't stop himself.</p><p>"Stop pretending to care! Stop <em>caring!</em> Stop <strong><em>saving me!</em></strong>" </p><p>Only Janus' human side was visible at this angle, and it was wet with tears. </p><p>
  <strong>"I don't want to stay here! I <em>can't </em>stay here! You complain about them ignoring your contributions <em>all the damn time </em>but you know what? At least you <em>make </em>contributions, and you know they're good! At least you have everyone here to come back to at the end of the day! I have no one, no one except for you, and I'm scared all the time and there's not even a <em>reason </em>for it and I just want to be <em>safe!"</em></strong>
</p><p>Sobs echoed throughout the room as Virgil's tempest tongue faded and his body slumped. "I just want to be safe." </p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">I'm not a villain</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Nor a hero</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">I'm just nothing</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">I'm the zero</span></em>
</p><p> </p><p>Tentatively, Janus reached out, but Virgil flinched away. He stopped. "But Virgil... You <strong>aren't </strong>safe here."</p><p>He kicked himself internally for slipping, for letting his double voice kick in. Years later, Janus would still wonder- if he'd been able to keep his liar's tongue under control, would Virgil have stayed?</p><p>Probably not.</p><p>Virgil knew that it was a lie, he knew that, but he didn't care. It gave him what he wanted. What he needed. "Yeah. I'm not. I'm not safe anywhere, but especially not <em>here.</em>"</p><p>
  <em>"Virgil-!"</em>
</p><p>Black and dark grey shifted as Virgil stood and turned towards to door, moving clumsily because of the tears streaming down his face and blurring his vision. "Virgil, <em>please!" </em></p><p>Desperation was clear in Janus' voice. Against himself, Virgil paused, turned back.</p><p>Janus was standing too, hands stretched out, shoulders shaking. "I- If you go- Virgil- if you go, <em>promise me- </em>promise me you'll stay. Stay <em>alive."</em></p><p>He deflated. It was a rare sight indeed, to see Janus so upset and vulnerable. After this, it would become even rarer. "As best as you can." He finished quietly.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">Because the Dark Side's not who I want to be</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">No, the Dark Side's not who I want to be</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span class="style-scope yt-formatted-string">'Cause the Dark Side's not the only side to me</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Virgil couldn't bear to break him further. So many times Janus had pieced him back together from blood and broken glass- he couldn't. Janus was angry at him, angry and hurt, and he was still so kind.</p><p>Virgil nodded. He whispered it to the room, a truth and a promise that wrote itself in purple ink on a little slip of yellow paper that flitted, softly, to the floor. </p><p>
  <em>"I will."</em>
</p><p>And then he was gone.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I wanted to write a prequel for my "Logan In The Corner" fic just because during Janus mentioned that he'd had to save a side from themselves before and made a mistake and it never really gets explained </p><p>and this song kind of grabbed me </p><p>so</p><p>here you go<br/>XD</p></blockquote></div></div>
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